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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696992">Derry Girls Go To Hollywood</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baz/pseuds/Baz'>Baz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Derry Girls (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:21:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,655</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696992</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baz/pseuds/Baz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Derry Girls have won a competition to become extras in a Hollywood movie set in Ireland.</p><p>But when they get there, they are disgusted to find out that it's a very stereotypical movie, full of bad Irish accents, acting, dialogue and production values. </p><p>Meanwhile, Michelle tries to seduce the star of the movie, Ricky Moran.</p><p>Will she succeed in her mission, and will the Derry Girls cope with being in this terrible movie?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Derry Girls Go To Hollywood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>DERRY GIRLS GO TO HOLLYWOOD</p><p> </p><p>Summer 1997.</p><p> </p><p>“And the winner is Erin Quinn! Congratulations, you and your friends are going to L.A.!”</p><p> </p><p>The Derry Girls and James all hugged with joy. Erin had won a poetry competition where entries had to send in a poem about the relationship between Ireland and the U.S.</p><p> </p><p>The winner was going to be an extra in a movie being shot in L.A.</p><p> </p><p>Sister Michael was glad that Erin and her friends had won the competition. Not because she was happy for them, but because she just wanted to get rid of them.</p><p> </p><p>The movie was going to be set in Ireland and it was called “Irish Love”. </p><p> </p><p>“If it is set in Ireland, why is it being filmed in L.A.?” asked Erin.</p><p> </p><p>“The studio that makes it is set in L.A.,” answered Clare.</p><p> </p><p>“Could’ve been worse, could’ve been shot in England!” said Michelle with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, I’m over here, you know,” replied an insulted James. </p><p> </p><p>“Shut the fuck up, dickhead!” snapped Michelle.</p><p> </p><p>The Girls were excited because the movie was going to star 20 year old model Ricky Moran. </p><p> </p><p>Ricky was the star of a cheesy sitcom “Buddies” which had bad jokes and canned laughter.</p><p> </p><p>Even Orla would get confused when she watched the show,</p><p> </p><p>“Why are the audience laughing? It’s not funny.”</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t a good show, but the girls liked it cos Ricky was hot and would often take his shirt off per episode.</p><p> </p><p>Also starring in “Irish Love” was model Tina White, known for her big boobs but little talent.</p><p> </p><p>And Oscar winning actor Donal Edwards. An actor who won an Oscar back in the 70’s, but hadn’t had much luck ever since.</p><p>
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</p><p>The girls and James boarded the plane to the land of the free, and we’re over the moon.</p><p> </p><p>This was going to be the best experience EVER!</p><p> </p><p>Or so they thought…..</p><p> </p><p>When they arrived in L.A., they went shopping and bought lots and lots of clothes.</p><p> </p><p>When they got back to the hotel, Michelle had something to show them.</p><p> </p><p>It was a small, black dress.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a fuck-me dress,” said Michelle with a grin.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh God no,” groaned Erin.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” asked Clare.</p><p> </p><p>“She wants to have it off with Ricky Moran,” answered Erin.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to sneak into his trailer wearing this bad girl,” explained Michelle. “His dick will get hard and we’ll….”</p><p> </p><p>She sat on the bed and started bouncing on it.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re both gonna jump on the bed?” asked the clueless Orla. </p><p> </p><p>Michelle just looked at her.</p><p> </p><p>“Girls, we may be extras now, but in the future, we’ll be movie stars!” she announced. “We’ll shag them all; Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Christian Slater……”</p><p> </p><p>“Mr Bean,” said Orla who had a lustful look on her face.</p><p> </p><p>The Girls just looked at her, but they didn’t question her sexual fantasies.</p><p> </p><p>“I wonder if that girl from The Fifth Element is around,” asked Clare. </p><p>
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</p><p>The next day, a taxi picked them up and brought them to the studio where “Irish Love” was being filmed. </p><p> </p><p>The Derry Girls were so excited.</p><p> </p><p>But when they saw the set….</p><p> </p><p>“What the fuck is this shit?” asked Michelle.</p><p> </p><p>It was an Irish pub set that looked like something out of The Quiet Man. </p><p> </p><p>“Is this film set in the old days?” Erin asked an assistant.</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s modern day,” said the assistant. </p><p> </p><p>The Derry Girls and James’ mouths dropped open.</p><p> </p><p>“Ireland doesn’t look like that!” cried Clare. </p><p> </p><p>“It doesn’t?” asked the confused assistant. “Anyway, you guys need to get into costume.”</p><p>
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</p><p>So they went to get their costumes put on. </p><p> </p><p>With their outfits on, the Derry Girls just looked at themselves in the mirror.</p><p> </p><p>They were dressed in stereotypical clothes that looked like something out of ‘Darby O’Gill’. James was dressed like a farmer with his aran jumper.</p><p> </p><p>Michelle on the other hand was in a green dress and was wearing a red wig.</p><p> </p><p>“Why the fuck are you dressed like Poison Ivy?” asked Erin.</p><p> </p><p>“Poison Ivy is sexy, and so am I,” answered Michelle. “Also, the director didn’t think I looked ‘Irish’ enough.”</p><p> </p><p>Even Orla was confused.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s something not right about this.”</p><p>
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</p><p>The writer/director of this movie was Alec Shapiro. The son of documentarian Ivan Shapiro.</p><p> </p><p>Alec’s previous movies were bashed by critics, and he thought this movie would be his big break.</p><p> </p><p>“Critics love movies set in Ireland,” he told his producer. “That’ll show ‘em. Boy, I can taste that Oscar.”</p><p> </p><p>The Derry Girls arrived on the set and all the other extras were dressed in the same stereotypical clothes. </p><p> </p><p>The Girls saw Ricky Moran in his costume, not looking very happy.</p><p> </p><p>“God, he thinks this film is shite as well,” said Clare. </p><p> </p><p>“I know how to cheer him up,” said Michelle, raising her eyebrows.</p><p> </p><p>Alec walked over to Ricky and gave him some directions. When Alec walked away, Ricky secretly gave him the finger.</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus,” said Erin.</p><p> </p><p>Just then, Donal Edwards walked towards them. He was a 50 year old actor, who was in his stereotypical Irish grandfather get up.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello, citizens of Derry,” he greeted the Derry Girls. </p><p> </p><p>Donal was American, but won an Oscar for playing a Derry man in that film he did back in the 70s. And his accent was convincing.</p><p> </p><p>“Finally, an American who didn’t ask us ‘Are you from Dublin?’,” said Erin. “We were asked that 20 times today.”</p><p> </p><p>"You did a great accent in that film,” said Clare.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, my dad’s from Derry, so that helped,” explained Donal. “It's a shame that the same can’t be said for Ricky and Tina.”</p><p> </p><p>Ricky just looked very doubtful.</p><p> </p><p>“He keeps getting typecast in pretty boy roles with no personality,” explained Donal. “He thought this role would change all of that but…..it’s pretty much the same here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Donal, no offense, but we think this movie is……,” Claire was about to say to Donal.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, it sucks,” said Donal.</p><p> </p><p>The girls looked at him.</p><p> </p><p>“You know it's shite?” asked Erin. </p><p> </p><p>“Yep,” said Donal.</p><p> </p><p>“If this film is crap, then why are you acting in it?” asked Michelle.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, ever since I won the Oscar, my career just went down,” explained Donal. “I just made flop after flop after flop. And when I turned 40 it was, ‘Sorry Donal, you didn’t get the part. You’re too old. Some handsome guy with no acting ability got the role instead.’ Take it from me, girls, and boy…..show business sucks. Don’t be actors. You’ll end up like me.”</p><p> </p><p>“After doing this shitty film, I don’t think we’ll act again,” said Erin.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m only doing this movie for the cock,” added Michelle.</p><p> </p><p>Just then, Tina Winters, a pretty blonde 18 year old girl, wearing a fake ginger wig walked onto set. She kept trying to speak in her ‘Irish’ accent:</p><p> </p><p>“Top ‘o da morn, to ye. Top ‘o da morn to ya…..”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh fuck,” groaned Erin.</p><p> </p><p>Tina and Ricky sat by the table ready to do their scene.</p><p> </p><p>The crew were ready, the extras were ready and the actors were ready.</p><p> </p><p>“And ACTION!” yelled Alec.</p><p> </p><p>Ricky and Tina started acting in their terrible Irish accents.</p><p> </p><p>“Kay-tee, I can take it any-morrrreeeeee,” said Ricky’s character. “I can’t luv ye cos I’m away to Belfast, Dublin in the morn.”</p><p> </p><p>The Derry Girls tried not to cringe at the terrible accents and equally terrible dialogue.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, Deeerrrrrrmuuttttt,” shrieked Tina. “You cannnnnn’t gooooooo. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee……….”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorrreeeee,” said Ricky. “But’s its ovuuurrrr……”</p><p> </p><p>Ricky got up and walked out of the pub. Tina started to cry really badly.</p><p> </p><p>“Cut! That was perfect,” said Alec. “Print that.”</p><p> </p><p>The Derry Girls were disgusted. </p><p> </p><p>“Are they windin’ us up?” asked Clare. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not Irish, and even I’m offended,” said James. “Where’s Michelle?”</p><p> </p><p>The Girls looked around and saw that Michelle was gone.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh no,” groaned Erin.</p><p>
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</p><p>Ricky went into his trailer in a huff. He hated his performance and the movie he was acting in. He then saw Michelle on his armchair wearing the sexy black dress and high heels.</p><p> </p><p>“You may not be good in the acting department, but let’s see if you’re good in bed,” she purred.</p><p> </p><p>“Who are you?” asked Ricky.</p><p> </p><p>“Your agent sent me,” replied Michelle. “A gift from Derry, if you know what I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>She crossed her legs slowly.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this a joke?” asked Ricky.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s face it, this film is shite,” said Michelle. “But at least something good will come out of it.”</p><p> </p><p>She got up and sexilly walked over to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Kiss me, I’m Irish,” she said.</p><p> </p><p>She leaned over to kiss Ricky, but he backed away.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, listen lady, I think you have to leave,” he stammered.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you, gay?” asked Michelle. “That’s okay, my cousin is gay. Or maybe you like it both ways.”</p><p> </p><p>Ricky opened the door and called “Security!”</p><p> </p><p>Two security guards walked into the trailer and brought Michelle out.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, let go off, you bastards!” she snapped. “I’m Irish, America wouldn’t exist without you.”</p><p> </p><p>Michelle was brought back to the set and back to the table where the Derry Girls were sitting at. </p><p> </p><p>Michelle looked at James and smacked him on the back of the head.</p><p> </p><p>“Ow! What was that for?” he cried.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up, James!” snapped Michelle.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you jump on the bed?” Orla asked her.</p><p> </p><p>Just then, Tina Winters walked over to them.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Donal told me that you guys are actually from Ireland,” she said in her normal accent, which sounded more annoying than her fake Irish one. </p><p> </p><p>Then she said it:</p><p> </p><p>“Are you guys from Dublin?”</p><p> </p><p>The Girls looked at her, deadpan.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, because all Irish people come from Dublin,” Michelle answered sarcastically. </p><p> </p><p>“Well, I’m part Irish myself,” said Tina.</p><p> </p><p>“Really, which part of you?” asked Michelle. “Your arms, your legs, your ass?”</p><p> </p><p>Tina looked very confused.</p><p> </p><p>“What did you guys think of my accent?” asked Tina. </p><p> </p><p>The girls looked at Tina with woeful looks on their faces.</p><p> </p><p>Tina frowned. </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t like it, do you?”</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes were beginning to fill up.</p><p> </p><p>She ran off set crying.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh no, not again,” said a crewmember. </p><p> </p><p>Donal looked at the Derry Girls.</p><p>
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</p><p>He decided to bring them to Tina’s trailer. </p><p> </p><p>Tina was in tears.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, don’t cry,” said Erin. “You just need to work on your accent a little.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just want to be taken seriously as an actress,” sobbed Tina. “The critics hated my last movie. One of them said ‘She has big boobs and a small brain’.”</p><p> </p><p>Michelle laughed. </p><p> </p><p>“Tina, if this acting thing doesn’t work out for you, what else would you like to do?” asked Clare.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe singing,” said Tina. “I love music. I write songs.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then maybe you should try music instead of acting,” said Erin. “Just a suggestion.”</p><p> </p><p>Tina wiped the tears from her eyes,</p><p> </p><p>“Just like Madonna,” she said.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, she’s not the best actress in the world, but she was good in ‘Evita’,” said Erin.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you,” replied Tina. </p><p>
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</p><p>Later that day, the scene was finished and it was a wrap for the Derry Girls.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s give a big hand to our winners from Ireland!” announced Alec Shapiro. </p><p> </p><p>There was applause. The Derry Girls and James bowed. </p><p> </p><p>Michelle began to take off her dress.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m gonna flash my tits!”</p><p> </p><p>There was laughter. </p><p> </p><p>Michelle looked at Ricky.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Ricky, call me,” she said to him.</p><p> </p><p>Ricky was a little put off.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll see you at the premiere,” the producer said to the girls.</p><p>
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</p><p>A few months later, the Derry Girls and James were heading back to L.A. for the premiere of ‘Irish Love’. This time, Erin brought her family with her; Mary, Gerry, Sarah, Colm and Joe.</p><p> </p><p>The premiere was at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. The Derry Girls, Mary and Sarah were in dresses and the men were in tuxes. </p><p> </p><p>There were paparazzi taking photos.</p><p> </p><p>And there were the stars of the movie, Ricky and Tina. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I had an affair with Ricky,” Michelle bullshitted to a journalist.</p><p> </p><p>“They jumped on the bed together,” added Orla.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone got into their seats in the cinema. The Derry Girls and James’ hearts were pounding. </p><p> </p><p>And then the movie began, to massive applause. Alec Shapiro was super confident.</p><p> </p><p>And then the first scene began with traditional Irish music.</p><p> </p><p>Tina’s character was on screen with her fake ginger wig. You could see her real hair underneath.</p><p> </p><p>She and Ricky's character held hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh Deeerrrrrmmooootttt, I’ll miss you whun ya go to fight the Brits,” said Tina’s character.</p><p> </p><p>Her bad Irish accent could cause glass to break. Mary, Gerry, Sarah, and Joe watched in disgust. Colm, less so.</p><p> </p><p>As the movie continued, the reaction from the audience was getting worse. Even Ricky and Tina sank on their seats. This was bad.</p><p> </p><p>“I will retuuuuurrrrnnnnn to Belfast, Duba-lin,” announced Ricky’s character in a heroic speech.</p><p> </p><p>“Was the director on drugs when he made this?” asked a disgusted Joe.</p><p> </p><p>More bad dialogue, and terrible acting later, and it was the final scene where British soldiers shot Ricky’s character and Tina’s character was holding his body.</p><p> </p><p>“Dermutt, eye’ll miss ya, and I hope to meet again in Heavennnnnnn!!!”</p><p> </p><p>She gave a dramatic wail as the film ended.</p><p> </p><p>The lights in the cinema turned on and Writer/director Alec Shapiro stood up and bowed to the audience. But no-one was applauding. No-one.</p><p> </p><p>They all looked at him angrily.</p><p> </p><p>“What the hell is wrong with you, people. That was a masterpiece!” he snapped.</p><p> </p><p>“That was the biggest load of shite I had ever seen!” shouted Joe.</p><p> </p><p>The cinema gave HIM a round of applause. Alec felt insulted. </p><p>
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</p><p>There was a party afterwards. All the critics were chatting about how AWFUL the film was.</p><p> </p><p>“This film is up there with ‘Return to the Blue Lagoon’, ‘Showgirls’, ‘Kazaam’ and ‘Highlander 2’ as one of the WORST movies of the decade!”</p><p> </p><p>The Derry Girls were talking to Ricky and Tina. </p><p> </p><p>“That’s it, I’m gonna give up acting,” said Ricky. “I’m tired of being a pretty face. Think I’ll go into music.”</p><p> </p><p>“I wanna go into music too,” Tina told him. </p><p> </p><p>“I heard you singing earlier, you were great,” Ricky replied. </p><p> </p><p>The Girls noticed that Alec Shapiro was sitting on his own, depressed. Erina decided to walk over to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I know this movie sucked,” said a teary Alec. “I suck. I’m the worst filmmaker in the world. I’m worse than Ed Wood. I can kiss my career goodbye.”</p><p> </p><p>“Have you actually ever been to Ireland before?” asked Erin.</p><p> </p><p>Alec looked at her.</p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, that’s why this whole film didn’t work,” explained Erin.</p><p> </p><p>“I wanted to make a good Irish movie like The Quiet Man,” said Alec. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re not going to learn about Ireland from watching movies,” replied Erin. “If you come to Ireland and see what it's really like, you’d be surprised.”</p><p> </p><p>Alec understood. </p><p> </p><p>“I thought that if my filmmaking career didn’t work,” he said. “I could make documentaries.”</p><p> </p><p>He looked at Erin. </p><p> </p><p>“I want to make a documentary about Derry.”</p><p> </p><p>“That sounds like a good idea,” said Erin. </p><p>
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</p><p>The Derry Girls, James and Erina’s family all went home. They enjoyed L.A. but hated the film. </p><p> </p><p>“The only good thing about that rubbish was your scene,” Mary told the Derry Girls. “Your acting was better than those mannequins.”</p><p> </p><p>“No more movies for us, thanks,” said Erin. </p><p> </p><p>“There’s no business like Show business,” said James.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, it’s shite,” added Michelle.</p><p> </p><p>“I never did get to meet Mr Bean,” sighed Orla.</p><p> </p><p>“Or the girl from The Fifth Element,” added Clare.</p><p>
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</p><p>A week later, filmmaker Alec Shapiro arrived in Derry.</p><p> </p><p>And it blew his mind.</p><p> </p><p>Ireland was NOTHING like in the movies. In fact, it was better.</p><p> </p><p>As he and his crew toured the city, Alec had bright ideas of what to put in his documentary.</p><p> </p><p>Alec Shapiro may no longer be making movies, but he can take after his father and make documentaries for television.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe he’ll get an Emmy.</p><p>
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</p><p>THE END</p><p>
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